Relearning Child-like Faith
“The truth is, you must accept God’s kingdom like a little child accepts things, or you will never enter it.”
Faith in my childhood:
I would come home and there would be food
I would have what I asked for or there was a reason I didn’t have it
Almost everything was out of my control, but thats okay cause I always have all that I need
I am not writing this to air my business but because I know we overcome by sharing our testimonies. And this isn’t one about me coming into money or having another achievement.
My testimony is about the greatest gift:
Growing closer and deeper in the knowledge of God. And in THAT I can boast (Jer 9:24)
My mom and I experienced a lot of loss when I was 11-13. Because of this she wanted to make sure that if anything happened to her that I would be okay.
I mistook that to mean:
When mama is gone, you have to have your own back
I feel I’ve been trying to control every area of my life since I was 13.
Control how people saw me by shrinking my presence in everything but what I know no one could take away from me- my intelligence.
It’s one thing to be smart. It’s another to make sure every final grade was an A. Every award must be mine. Accolades must be mine. Not because I tried extra hard or because others didn’t deserve it but because '“it was a given.”
I was once told at 17 that I “looked like I had it all together”. What “all together” even looks like at 17 I have no clue but this was far from the truth. Most of the time I hated my reflection, I was in a relationship that had long outrun its course and I was a neglectful friend.
But I knew what they saw. I had good grades. I spoke well. I was social, enough. I had an air of self-assuredness. I was assured in myself, the self I allowed to grow while stunting all the other areas that were desperate to show through vulnerability.
My mind is a gift from God and it is exactly what needed to be broken the most for my faith to grow.
I am posting this for my 25th birthday but I am writing this in August 2025. My grandma is dying. I’m scrambling to save a relationship beyond saving and it led to self-abandonment (that is NOT love btw). I felt lost in my plans for the future and way beyond the end of myself.
I did not- in fact- have it altogether and no words, actions or efforts would change that. The gig was up. I needed help from Abba Father because I, left to my own strength, was broken.
In this- for only the second time in my life I heard God directly speak.
How did I know it was him? I know you’re asking because so did I.
Not only did I hear a still small voice, I was led to scripture I’d never ventured to open. Maybe, shamefully, didn’t even know existed.
Why am I cracking open Jeremiah and Haggai? Why is my pastor saying the same thing the “still small voice” said? Why am I throwing questions out to hear wisdom return to me? And prayers answered from long ago?
For a full two weeks I heard from God and his message was clear- crystal clear. I know He did that for me
1. Because He is near to the broken hearted (Psalms 34:19)
2. Because I was seeking Him, His hand and His words, with my whole heart (Jeremiah 29:12-13)
3. Because He knows me. Because He created me and knows that I am goal-oriented. I like to know what I’m working towards and He cared enough about little ol’ me to share that end goal with me
I have my promise, my answer, my directives….
And I’m slooooowly working on it…
But I still find myself trying to control that which is far beyond me. Maybe if I do this? What if I try another way to fix it? Another way to fix me. Another way to change the path or figure out how to reach my goals.
I’m working and crying and basically in despair asking God to speak. To give me something to comfort me, to strengthen me, to give me another way…
Psalm 23: I am your Shepard- follow me.
Not
“Put on your full armor and be of good courage”
Not
“I know the plans I have for you-plans to prosper you”
Not
“He who has begun a great work in you is faithful to perform it”
Because HE KNOWS me and He knows I believe those things.
But my mind, my faith, my lessons from my youth are haunting me.
“No one’s got me like I got me, not even the Good Shepard”
I hear my Shepard’s voice, I recognize it but I think I’m some supernatural superhero sheep. That maybe God needs my help to move this along?
God reminded me that I am just a sheep.
So, I follow Him a little bit more until my busy intellectual mind starts asking “why” again.
It starts thinking about little sense this all makes.
I start to doubt if He really meant what He said (Genesis 3:1)
Sure, this may be an issue of faith or fear but I know it is largely a matter of control. Here I am, in full humanity still holding onto the ignorance of my youth.
“Nobody’s got me like I got me”
I ask God to show me more. Tell me again in another way so I can be sure. Share the reins with me a bit. Sneak the angels into my dream to give extra assurance. And to this He says-
There are divine things at work that human intervention will taint.
That’s why the songs I, nay, my SOUL wanted to hear were songs about God’s holiness. His purity. His divinity. Him being entirely set apart from me.
“Holy, holy are you Lord God almighty. Worthy is the lamb”
“And the angels cry holy. You will always be holy forever”
I may look like I have it all together- even now. But my Father who is “unseen” (Matthew 6) has seen me in secret and He has revealed to me how my altogetherness pales in comparison to His divinity.
My mom raised a smart, capable, figure-it-out type of girl. I am proud of who I am. And now with ¼ of a century in my playbook I am aware of why I need to have childlike faith.
Because if I keep trying to wrestle with God about how His will should be carried out
I. Lose. Every. Time.
And even in all this humbling, breaking, tears and introspection- there is grace. If you’ve been where I have or are here now give yourself grace. God has already given it to you, not because you deserve it, but because its just who He is (Psalm 103: 8-10) full of grace and compassion.
I’m not usually this vulnerable with anyone, let along those who may stumble upon this blog.
It’s a tough lesson to learn. Truly relinquishing control. God has done this because He loves me (Hebrews 12: 6-11) and yes, He wants the best for me. But He’s gotta make sure I’m ready for better and best.
He’s done this because He loves me and He loves you to. He is calling me into true obedience. He is helping me grow into accepting His will and His way “like a little child accepts things”.
Lessons for the both of us.
-Kiara
Happy Birthday to me!
Faith in Young Adult(ish) Hood:
God is good and His plan for my life is good even when- especially when- His plan changes mine
I will have what I ask for or there is a good reason I don’t have it
Almost everything is out of my control, but thats okay cause in Jireh, I will always have all that I need
